Yes, they are out to get you

You cannot trust the government. You cannot trust multinationals. Everyone is after you, even space aliens and that bloke of the telly. What do you do?

You need to get yourself a tin foil hat and protect your thoughts from those that want to get inside your head. But do they work?

Luckily for you there have been some studies into the effectiveness of aluminium foil headwear and it’s ability to attenuate intrusive electromagnetic waves. The Empirical Studies have tested three types of foil head adornment: the Classical, the Fez, and the Centurion.

There’s bad news though, as found in the conclusions:

The helmets amplify frequency bands that coincide with those allocated to the US government between 1.2 Ghz and 1.4 Ghz. According to the FCC, These bands are supposedly reserved for ”radio location” (ie, GPS), and other communications with satellites . The 2.6 Ghz band coincides with mobile phone technology. Though not affiliated by government, these bands are at the hands of multinational corporations.

It requires no stretch of the imagination to conclude that the current helmet craze is likely to have been propagated by the Government, possibly with the involvement of the FCC. We hope this report will encourage the paranoid community to develop improved helmet designs to avoid falling prey to these shortcomings.

So, that’s it then. If the government or invaders from outer space use these frequencies then your tin foil hat, no matter how jauntily assembled, will actually have improved access to your thoughts. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean to say that they’re not out to get you.

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