The statues

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them,…… Continue reading The statues

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Do not talk to the parrot

Mary’s dishwasher stopped working so she called the repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the doormat. Fix the dishwasher, please, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll post the cheque to you as soon as I come home.” After thinking…… Continue reading Do not talk to the parrot

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Ireland v France

Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. “Hallo, Mr. Chirac!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!” “Well, Paddy,” Chirac replied, “Theez eez indeed…… Continue reading Ireland v France

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Drive-thru cash machines

I’m pleased to inform customers that the Yorkshire Bank are now installing the Next Generation of new “Drive-thru” cash point machines: Customers will in future be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies…… Continue reading Drive-thru cash machines

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The Queen dies etc

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of themets in. The angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should…… Continue reading The Queen dies etc

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Are you Scottish?

You are a GLASWEGIAN If: 1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie ;-), Ecclefechan Milngavie, Sauchiehall, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake. 2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie. 3. Ye get four seasons in wan day. 4. Ye canny pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert. 5. Ye kin fall…… Continue reading Are you Scottish?

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Things that blokes do

This just arrived in my work email. It’s all true I tell you: Things that blokes do:- 1. OPENING JARS – She’s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t. Jars are men’s work. 2. CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ – Especially policeman but even saying…… Continue reading Things that blokes do

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Pinch my nipples

A woman went to a Curry’s service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won’t work. The clerk told her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming:…… Continue reading Pinch my nipples

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Sandals

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.” So the married couple went in. The Jamaican…… Continue reading Sandals

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Scottish Dating Ads

Real ones of course. Romantic bastards, those Scots. Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks petite nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08 Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of…… Continue reading Scottish Dating Ads

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Fifi

A US marine stationed in France returning to base, is wandering through the train carriages looking for a an empty seat, the only one he finds is occupied by a little French poodle, he approached the woman and asks “Excuse me ma’am, could I please take that seat?” The woman replied: “You Americans are so…… Continue reading Fifi

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