I’m going to be killed for this

It's been a while since I posted a joke, so here's one from my work email: A boy asked his mother the following question: 'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mum [...]

A Canny Salesman

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job [...]

Paddy, Mick & the Pigs

Paddy and Mick, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Mick and said, "Mick, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin' pig?" Mick says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my pig, and ten we can tell [...]

Random selection of one-liners

Stolen shamelessly from tMP I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." I was in this restaurant and I asked [...]

I know it’s only November but…

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents [...]

Possibly racist joke

An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys. "There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at [...]

On the buses

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and [...]

Tony and Gordon go into the countryside…

Tony Blair and Gordon Brown are worried about the state of the polls and decide that they need to do something to try and gain a decent share of the vote in the countryside. They come up with a plan and head off kitted out in Barbours, flat caps and with a Golden retriever. Arriving [...]

Huge purple head

A guy walks into a doctor's office with a huge purple head. The doctor sees how strange this is, and rushes the guy back to an examination room. Huge purple head or not, though, the guy seems pretty calm about everything. "Can you tell me what happened?" the doctor asks. "Sure," the guy with the [...]

Bless you

A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his trousers and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and [...]

The Deaf Book-keeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has took him for ten million bucks. This book-keeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, because it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify [...]