Too Posh To Mosh

Random crap by Dave Rutt

British Culture: The Friday Night Kebab

There are many fine aspects to British culture. We have a rich history littered with wonderful authors, genius composers and world-famous artists. So, I figured that I’d write a little about what makes Britain great. This may or may not turn into a series depending on my levels of procrastination.

Friday nights are important to us Brits. We spend all week working hard down t’ pit and we love to let our hair down in the local drinking establishments. This involves attempting to consume our entire body weight in alcoholic beverages followed by a doner kebab and a taxi home.

I’m about to launch into some entirely unofficial rules regarding the purchase and consumption of that most maligned form of evening eatage – the kebab.

Preparation

Before purchasing your kebab it’s imperative that you get yourself into the correct level of intoxication. This involves going out and getting really pissed. This is the British “pissed” not the US-version – we like to be very drunk when eating our kebabs and not intensely annoyed.

This stage is actually very important. Unless your are drunk, the more drunk the better, then your kebab will taste absolutely disgusting. I can personally attest to the disgusting nature of the kebab if consumed whilst not under the influence. Under no circumstances should this be tried without having imbibed large quantities of hop-based liquid products.

Additionally you should be a large party of males. It’s not unusually for a female to enjoy the delights of the kebab, but it’s more normal for a group of five or more males, a “pack” if you will, to engage in this sort of activity.

Purchase

There are many places in British towns and cities in which the traditional doner kebab can be purchased. These are normally located close to a taxi rank and within staggering distance of a cluster of bars and clubs. You should attempt to locate one that has the most impressive array of lit, orange signage. You get extra points if the name is particularly inventive, although “Barry’s Kebab Shop” will do at a push.

Many British Kebab shops have extended their fare into other areas, such as pizza, burgers and sushi. Possibly. Do not be diverted by these tasty alternatives – you are here for the doner kebab.

You must order the large doner with hot chili sauce. This is the only option that properly fits the description of “Friday Night Kebab”. The chicken variant is too close to resembling food to be considered and the garlic sauce is too tasty. The proper British doner kebab contains “meat”. You must have the hot chili sauce, the hotter the better.

Insist on the “salad”. It’s mostly cabbage, but it’s essential for the full experience. Order your kebab “open” so that you consume your delicious purchase immediately.

Consumption

This next bit is important. The instant you step outside with your newly-purchased kebab you must immediately deposit the majority of the “salad” onto the pavement outside. You should probably say something along the lines “this shit isn’t even fit for rabbits” or some-such. Insert even more fruity language if you desire.

Take a large bite from your kebab. Allow the juices to run down your chin onto your shirt. It helps if the shirt is expensive and a little sweaty. Chew and swallow. Within a few seconds you’ll notice a burning sensation in your mouth and throat – this is entirely normal and should be expected. Ignore the pain and continue to consume your delicious kebab.

Make a comment to your mates about how bloody gorgeous this is. Once again you may insert extra swear words where necessary.

You will not finish your kebab. When you have reached the required pain threshold for your body to realise what is going on you must immediately dispose of your kebab. It’s OK to give it to a local tramp or leave it on a wall somewhere for them to find it. Putting it into a bin merely makes it more difficult for them to find food.

After the main course

It is now time for you to head home. Hail a Hackney Carriage to carry you to your abode. Try not to vomit within your taxi, as the driver may become irate and insist on you paying for the extensive cleaning of the interior. Admire all the other Kebab shops on the way.

Once you arrive home it’s normal to vomit into one of your neighbour’s hedges or garden. Perhaps you’ll find the pavement more convenient for this activity. Go immediately to bed, making as much noise as possible on the way. It’s important to let your neighbours know that you’ve been having a good time.

Epilogue

I hope you’ve found this introduction to British culture of interest. The pointers found here may also be used on a Saturday night, or even (to a lesser degree) on any evening. Kebab shops are always open after the bar shuts.

Originally posted on Newsvine

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